“And he said to him, “Teacher, all these I have kept from my youth.” And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.” (Mark 10:20–22, ESV)

The man talking with Jesus is seeking eternal life. He wants that which Jesus alone can give. He wants that which Jesus longs to give him. Jesus simply points out the obvious. In order to receive what I'm offering, you must first let go of what you're holding, or better, what's holding you.

The man walked away sad because he was rich.

Have you ever noticed how Jesus doesn't control people? He presents truth and gives them the freedom to choose. He loves but He doesn't control. Jesus certainly wanted this man to surrender. Jesus made it clear that eternal life was at stake. But He didn't chase the man. He didn't even attempt to persuade. He presented clear options and allowed that man to make up his own mind, to be responsible for his own choices. In Jesus' presence, that man became very powerful. Powerful enough to choose death instead of life.

Jesus’ approach to relationships seems very different to what I've experienced and observed in my life. Very often, what people experience in the context of relationships is not empowering at all. They feel powerless.

Some people feel powerless because they believe others are responsible to change things that are their own responsibility. This is called blame.

Some people seek to feel powerful by assuming responsibility to change things that are someone else’s responsibility. This is called control.

Control follows from blame.

Blame says: “I’m not okay and it’s your fault.”

Control says: “I will change you so that I’ll be okay.”

Blame produces the feeling of powerlessness because it abdicates right responsibility, giving responsibility to those who have neither the power nor authority to affect the needed change. When I blame I embrace powerlessness by giving my own power to someone else.

Blame is not actual powerlessness. When I blame others for my own choices, the choices remain mine, though I am blind to this reality.Blame is only perceived powerlessness.

Control produces the feeling of power because it assumes false responsibility; taking responsibility for choices that someone else alone has the actual power and authority to make. When I control I seek to feel powerful by taking responsibility where I have no legitimate authority or power.

Control is not actual power. When I seek to control others, the choices remain theirs, though I am blind to this reality. Control is only perceived power.

Blame happens when I abdicate my own freedom. Control happens when I attempt to steal the freedom of another. Blame believes that I am powerless. Control believes that others are powerless.

Blame and control work well together to produce a culture of powerlessness, for everyone avoids responsibility in those areas where they have actual power and authority and embraces responsibility in those areas where they have no legitimate power or authority.

In this climate, nothing will ever change.

If you want to experience genuine change, you must abandon blame and control. This means you must assume responsibility for those things over which you have legitimate authority and power. You must allow others to be responsible where you have no legitimate authority or power.

Your perception must change. You must begin to see yourself as powerful and, at the same time, allow others to be powerful too. This happens when you rightly assign responsibility. You are responsible for yourself. Others are responsible for themselves. Others do not and cannot control your choices or responses, so there is no blame. You do not and cannot determine what anyone else will or won’t choose, so there is no control.

Love is possible only where there is rightly assigned responsibility.

Love is a powerful thing freely given by powerful people.When I am powerless, I cannot give love. When I believe others are powerless, I cannot receive love from them.

Love must be freely chosen or it’s not love at all.I can only choose where I have actual power. Powerlessness makes it impossible to love.

Love, when chosen, is an expression of selflessness for the benefit of another. Blame and control, on the other hand, are all about serving self. Love is fundamentally incongruent with blame and control. Even behaviors that might be classified as loving end up being expressions of manipulative self-service when they are rooted in blame and control.

When I see myself as powerful, I can voluntarily choose to benefit you with no agenda to control. When I see you as powerful, I can receive your voluntary expression of love with no fear of being controlled by you.

Who is Powerful?

You are. And if you’re not, you have no one to blame but yourself.

About Our Guest Author, Alan Smith:

Alan is married to Nancy, and father to Lauren (15), Anna (13) and Teddy (8). He currently serves as Pastor of Freedom Ministries at Gateway Church, where he helps others learn to hear God’s voice and become who they were created and redeemed to be. He wants to be an author when he grows up.